rules

I always follow all the f'ing rules. 

No drinking or smoking - absolutely NOT.  I would NEVER take even a sip of wine while pregnant - not when I am breastfeeding - nothing for years and years.  I didn't eat sushi or lunch meat or hot dogs or fish from Lake Michigan. I took my prenatal vitamins everyday. I went to all of my appointments and ultrasounds. I didn't take hot baths or hot tub or even super hot showers. Not even one Tylenol or sudafed or any pain drugs while given birth - I did every single thing the doctors and the books told me to do.

Why do I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt - As the mother - I should have protected him or done something differently.

I know in my head that Autism isn't about what I did or didn't do.

I need my head to tell my heart.

Autism

Al
 has always marched to beat of his own drum
Hell, he doesn't need a drum or beat to march
he has Autism
(The beat is already playing in his head)

The weight of this diagnosis
sits on my chest
like an elephant

I can't look back on our journey
the fact is we are here
and Autism is now

The uncertainty I feel for his future
scare me to death
and at the same moment
challenges me to be
simply amazing 

I have no plans of "fixing" my son
he is and will never be broken
to me or anyone who knows
how truly remarkable he is

Right Now
I am allowing myself to feel this

It sucks
Tomorrow might be better
or it could be worse
Today
Al was trying to tell me something
he bangs his forehead with his palm
 "Mom I just can't get it out of here - it's stuck"
Al
I promise you
It's alright budddy
Mommy will help get it out