laughable moment ...

I can't tell you why this struck me as so funny?

Autism as a diagnosis hasn't been very funny ... truthfully I haven't been relaxed enough to laugh about "Autism"

Until last night ... listening to my kiddos while they were brushing their teeth

My - "Al, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
Al - "I would eat it!"
My - "No, What would you "DO" for a Klondike Bar?"
Al- "It would go in my mouth and then in my tummy."
My - "What would DOOOO for a a Klondike bar?"
Al - "My Mom would get me one."
My- "Nevermind"

I looked at the hubs and we couldn't help it - we were cracking up and with tears in my eyes - "A question NOT to ask a boy with Autism!"  To laugh at Autism felt great - a huge release for me.  The literal meaning of a commercial jingle and the delight of tasty treat -Al gave the correct answer for himself.  I love that it isn't the answers that is expected -Al thinks outside the box.  There are so many thing about Al that bring joy to my heart and Autism is one of them -- it doesn't define him it or make him "special" -- he does that all on his own!

jitters

the first day jitters

are behind us (me)

one of my worse fears

had come true

it's almost like I put it out "into the universe"

and it happened

a child had put their hands on my Al

he couldn't recall all the details

(I don't really want to get into any specifics)

the very first day

I had to email his teacher

 feeling better

but a lot of tears*

just from me
(*hidden)

can't I just keep him home

with me

FOREVER

lump

i know every mother has

that lump in their throat feeling

their baby is off to school

i feel this a hundred time over

for a million different reasons

my son often cannot recall the details of his day

what if someone treats him poorly?

he would be unable to communicate that to me

worries

that he may have a "behavior" or an "outburst"

be overwhelmed with the kids or the noise

that his teacher won't understand that he really is amazing

will the other kids like him?

please don't let him be all alone

that he won't be able to open his lunch by himself

that he might have to pee while on recess

(because we let him pee outside once this summer)

he doesn't always have a firm grasp on appropriate behavior

more more more

worries

this is so overwhelming

along with an extremely lengthily

email i sent to his Kindergarten teacher

detailing

our diagnosis

therapies

progress made

what we are working on

my overall concerns

our goals

An increased desire for learning

to be "present" with his peers

i have MORE worry

MORE MORE MORE MORE

i want to shout it at everyone i can

i am angry

angry at the parents

who don't have these worries

and will NEVER know what this feels like

i have protected my Al so fiercely 

from the day he was born and our eyes first met  

to let him go into the world

without me

***swallowing hard - the lump in my throat

cha-cha changes

changes on the horizon

in just one short week and a couple of days 

two of my three children will be in school full-time

Arlo starting - Myla switching

I feel a great sense of comfort knowing that

my kiddos will be only 3 minutes away

I can be a presence in this school

Exhale

the hubs

has taken on a "second" job

doing amazing things with his god given talent

"No - it's not exotic dancing - wink wink"

Tattooing

He had tattooed for a moment back in our "carefree" days

it was a different scene 

 not nearly as mainstream as it is today

now - you can make a living

hopefully we could get to that place within the year

Other changes 

nothing too exciting with Leo and I

maybe I will finally wean the small football player

take a mommy and me library class

enjoy some "baby days" before I blink and he too is off to school

Still feeling very overwhelmed with decisions for the Fall

extracurriculars - therapy - schedules

I feel like I've come to a conclusion - make a firm stance

only to have someone tell me

it's really "not recommended" and that "studies have shown"

Yada Yada Yada

I am very pulled -- to do what I think is right for my son ... 

Mother knows best ... Right!?

fast forward summer

fast forward summer

a lot to catch up on

Al is doing really great with therapy

speech and OT

swimming amazing

However ... a slight

 hiccup with ABA therapy 

more like a couple of grand worth of co payments

not at all expected

actually assured that we did NOT

 have a co payment

BAM 

5x a week x 3 months = an awful surprise

once school begins

a little worried about over doing it

thinking speech and OT with everyday all day Kindergarten

Oh, my ...

chest is actually tightening

  a small spark of panic feels my heart

ALL DAY
EVERYDAY

My Al

I have so much more to write about

just not enough time

to accomplish this

to be cont...

insert foot here ...

 I've made a mistake

wording and vent

on a previous post

I shouldn't have mentioned

spectrum/function

always hearing from professionals

"high or low"

comparing children

The spectrum doesn't matter

it was not meant

as a judgment

I was upset

that I have put so much

effort into my

playgroup

only to have no one show up

 for the first two weeks

then ... to watch Al just

play all alone

while the older crowd went to play

I had really high hopes for the playgroup

to find a kiddo 

just like my Al

a match

a friend 

I am learning

that there will be

similarities and differences

on and off spectrum

just as no two kids will be alike

neither is autism

there are strengths and weakness in everyone

everywhere on the spectrum

my post was not intended to

measure your child or compared them to mine

it was truly me

just trying to find where we

 "fit-in"

please know how truly

sorry i am if had offended you

Gulp-Sigh-Tear-Breathe

I've been struggling with where WE belong

We started our playgroup

 Al sat all alone in the sandbox

the group was much older than I had expected
also with different needs on the "spectrum"

Same Day

Now on to ... gymnastics

Al has moved up from tiny tumblers to boy's level one

all neuro-typical boys

Al is all over the place

can't wait in line - jumping into pits - not following directions

"semi-typical" boy behavior

tough as a Mom to sit on the bleachers and know ...

I can feel what the other parents are thinking

"Wow, that kids is really out of control"

--never mind-- 

They weren't thinking

I actually heard that or something very close to it
being said right behind me
as Al took cuts once again

I want to scream

thanks for talking shit about my kid

sorry your kid had to wait one extra second

because my kid couldn't

I feel stuck

on one hand it's nice hearing that Al doesn't seem autistic

he MUST be very HIGH functioning 

on the other hand --- it sucks hearing that he

"Seems so NORMAL or doesn't

 look Autistic"

He is normal - He is my son

Gulp- Tear -Gulp -Sigh

Breathe -- over it