I hate your face ... park kids

It's not going to happen ...

I'm not going to stop my son's behavior

 because it makes "you" feel uncomfortable

I am NOT embarrassed of my son

I will NOT apologize - ever NEVER ever again 

It is unacceptable for my son to practice being "neurotypical" 

to "fit-in" to what society deems as "normal behavior" 

 I do not give a shit

 if you think my kid is weird

he will always be cooler ...  he will always be happier

he will always be better

because

your kid is an asshole ... so good luck with that

together

feeling a little frazzled

husband gone

2nd job

3 kiddos

school school school

picture

so I know

 we can handle this



International

While talking with my son's kindergarten teacher (who's amazing BTW)

I am explaining how I believe 

Al perceives the world around him

Al will often ask me --- "is this in my world?" 

referring to people in proximity

family and very close friends are considered
in "his world"

Things that are not in "his world"

anywhere more than 25 minutes away from our home
 anyone he doesn't know by name
and somewhere he's never been

This doesn't upset him -- it's just not in "his world"

 Think of Al as an "International Student"
here on an assignment

 learning and observing

our customs (eye contact)

our language (figurative speech)

"our rules" for personal space and levels of engagement

He's trying to absorb and take in all the scenery 

However

it's so loud and smells awful

people are annoying and often demanding

everything is either too fast or too slow

it's just not his "world"

Al steps back and takes a breathe

It overwhelms him

but he heads out there every single day

 with a HUGE smile on his face

and he tries so very hard to be in "our world"

school

Update

He LOVES school
Huge Deal
HUGE

He has LOVED school since the very first day
Joy in my Heart
He's teacher is AMAZING

A complete 360 from our preschool nightmare
Delighted

I've been working on the "kinks" behind the scenes

"Hands to Self"
Kindergarten Stuff
(that take a little extra effort to get into "swing" of these concepts)

I couldn't be any happier with the choices I have made this year
SweetRelief

laughable moment ...

I can't tell you why this struck me as so funny?

Autism as a diagnosis hasn't been very funny ... truthfully I haven't been relaxed enough to laugh about "Autism"

Until last night ... listening to my kiddos while they were brushing their teeth

My - "Al, what would you do for a Klondike Bar?"
Al - "I would eat it!"
My - "No, What would you "DO" for a Klondike Bar?"
Al- "It would go in my mouth and then in my tummy."
My - "What would DOOOO for a a Klondike bar?"
Al - "My Mom would get me one."
My- "Nevermind"

I looked at the hubs and we couldn't help it - we were cracking up and with tears in my eyes - "A question NOT to ask a boy with Autism!"  To laugh at Autism felt great - a huge release for me.  The literal meaning of a commercial jingle and the delight of tasty treat -Al gave the correct answer for himself.  I love that it isn't the answers that is expected -Al thinks outside the box.  There are so many thing about Al that bring joy to my heart and Autism is one of them -- it doesn't define him it or make him "special" -- he does that all on his own!

jitters

the first day jitters

are behind us (me)

one of my worse fears

had come true

it's almost like I put it out "into the universe"

and it happened

a child had put their hands on my Al

he couldn't recall all the details

(I don't really want to get into any specifics)

the very first day

I had to email his teacher

 feeling better

but a lot of tears*

just from me
(*hidden)

can't I just keep him home

with me

FOREVER

lump

i know every mother has

that lump in their throat feeling

their baby is off to school

i feel this a hundred time over

for a million different reasons

my son often cannot recall the details of his day

what if someone treats him poorly?

he would be unable to communicate that to me

worries

that he may have a "behavior" or an "outburst"

be overwhelmed with the kids or the noise

that his teacher won't understand that he really is amazing

will the other kids like him?

please don't let him be all alone

that he won't be able to open his lunch by himself

that he might have to pee while on recess

(because we let him pee outside once this summer)

he doesn't always have a firm grasp on appropriate behavior

more more more

worries

this is so overwhelming

along with an extremely lengthily

email i sent to his Kindergarten teacher

detailing

our diagnosis

therapies

progress made

what we are working on

my overall concerns

our goals

An increased desire for learning

to be "present" with his peers

i have MORE worry

MORE MORE MORE MORE

i want to shout it at everyone i can

i am angry

angry at the parents

who don't have these worries

and will NEVER know what this feels like

i have protected my Al so fiercely 

from the day he was born and our eyes first met  

to let him go into the world

without me

***swallowing hard - the lump in my throat